Devastated after being rejected by three schools for DSA: How to help your child cope

SINGAPORE – Ms K. Chong’s son was devastated when he was rejected by all three schools he had applied to in the 2023 Direct School Admission (DSA) exercise, especially after he had spent six years learning the erhu twice a week.

The boy, who was selected to join the school’s Chinese Orchestra co-curricular activity in Primary 1, initially cried about having to go for lessons, but eventually committed to them and took yearly exams.

Ms Chong, 45, a housewife, says she did not consider DSA seriously initially, but started doing so when her son was encouraged by his teachers to apply for it in upper primary.

The DSA exercise allows students to apply to a secondary school of their choice based on an area of talent, which could include sports, performing arts or a specific academic area, before taking the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE).

“I thought he was gifted in this area, so I put in effort for him. After spending money and time on lessons, I thought it was a sure thing to get into a school via DSA,” Ms Chong says.

To maximise his chances, she chose schools with different cut-off points: an affiliated school, a co-ed school and a neighbourhood school.

“We went for a wide range of schools so that one of them would accept him, no matter his results,” she says.

When the final rejection came in mid-September, Ms Chong kept it from her son so that his preparation for PSLE later in the month would not be affected, “but he more or less knew”.

“He was upset and did not want to talk about it, but I’m glad he eventually took it in his stride,” says Ms Chong, who adds that he has stopped playing the erhu.

She hopes schools can shed more light on the selection criteria.

“It’s not transparent enough. There is not enough information on the criteria. I would like to know how the selection was done,” she adds.

With a record number of applications from the 2024 Primary 6 cohort who were born in the Year of the Dragon, there may be a bumper crop of rejections this year.

Experts say that parents should first process their own disappointment before helping their child get over the rejection, because children are sensitive to their parents’ emotions.

National Institute of Education senior lecturer Kit Phey Ling, who is also a practising counselling psychologist, suggests that parents reflect on how they view the DSA exercise.

“If a parent views the DSA as a way for his or her child to get into the ideal school and that it is unacceptable for the child to get into other schools, then the child would tend to frame success in obtaining DSA entry as extremely important,” she says.

One way to deal with the situation is for parents to broaden the definition of success. They can, for instance, consider a range of schools and reframe the DSA as one of many pathways to help their child achieve his or her life goals.

Bukit Panjang Government High School (BPGH) principal Seet Tiat Hee says it is important that parents first consider schools that best meet their child’s talent area as well as academic abilities.

This is especially so as some children find it hard to cope after getting into a school.

One parent, whose daughter got into her preferred secondary school via DSA for violin, now regrets the move as the girl is struggling academically.

Madam L.H. Huang, a communications manager in her early 50s, says her 15-year-old daughter is stressed out by the pace of school and amount of homework.

“She is overwhelmed with trying to catch up with her studies, leaving her with little time to pursue what she’s really good at – music. Also, she does not quite enjoy her string ensemble CCA, as the pieces are not challenging enough,” she says.

Helping children cope with DSA rejections

Experts say parents should first acknowledge the child’s feelings.

Ms Vivyan Chee, Singapore Children’s Society’s deputy director and head of flourishing minds, a mental health service for children and youth, suggests that parents allow their child to express his or her disappointment without immediately trying to fix the situation.

“Parents can say things like, ‘I can see that you’re really disappointed and it’s okay to feel that way.’ This helps the child to feel understood and supported,” she says.

Parents can then gently guide their child to see the bigger picture, emphasising that this one setback does not define a person’s worth or future success, she adds.

It helps to have open conversations about the possibility of rejection, says Ms Chee.

“This helps children understand that rejection is a normal part of life and that it does not diminish their abilities or potential,” she says.

Preparing children for different outcomes can help them approach the process with a growth mindset, where the focus is on learning and development rather than just the result.

Ms June Yong, a family life specialist at Focus on the Family Singapore, says adopting a growth mindset is especially helpful in situations where the outcome is not guaranteed.

For instance, parents could remind their child that he or she can always try another path if this does not work out.

“This carries a sense of optimism and hope, while holding onto a healthy dose of reality, where rejection is always a possible outcome,” Ms Yong says.

Parents can also share their own stories of setbacks and how the experiences helped them become more resilient, she adds.

“If practised consistently, the child will come to view PSLE as an important exam that has some bearing on one’s opportunities for future learning, but does not impede on one’s identity and worth,” she says.

Regardless of the DSA outcome, parents should praise their child for the effort put in to develop his or her talent area, says Mr Chia Guo Hao, principal of Chung Cheng High School (Yishun).

“This helps them to understand that the hard work they put in is valuable,” he adds.

Strategies to help children bounce back to revise for PSLE

After getting a DSA rejection, let your child take a break. Allow him or her a few days to work through his or her emotions and disappointment, suggests Mr Zhou Shicai, founder of NickleBee Tutors which offers advanced maths programmes for upper primary pupils.

For his students who do not manage to secure a confirmed offer, he advises them to see the DSA rejection as an opportunity to improve.

He often shares the saying by Canadian-American inventor Alexander Graham Bell with his students: “When one door closes, another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

BPGH’s Mr Seet adds that parents can remind their children that they will still have another chance to enter the school of their choice by doing well for PSLE. 

Dr Kit says parents can discuss with their children what they have learnt from the DSA preparation and assessment process, and identify how these lessons can be used to help improve PSLE preparation.

Ms Chee says a useful way to help children regain focus on their revision is to remind them of their strengths and consider how far they have come in their academic journey.

She says parents should engage their children in non-academic activities to show them that “they matter outside of their studies”.

Creating a supportive home environment where the child feels encouraged and motivated can significantly boost their resilience and readiness for the PSLE, she adds.

What can parents say to their child?

Mr Zhou suggests telling your child this: “You may not be a right fit for this school at this point, but we have other options available to us.”

Another suggestion is: “Let’s focus on improving ourselves so that when the next opportunity comes along, we will be more than ready.”

He says this would help a child understand that there will always be situations beyond his control and it is more important to learn to respond to setbacks.

Dr Kit says parents can also use another phrase that can instil hope in the child: “You can still get into a good school if you prepare well and do well in the PSLE.”

Parents can also use the rejection as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship with their child, by showing their child that he or she is loved unconditionally.

Says Dr Kit: “The comfort that children derive from their parents at this time will allow them to recover from their disappointment and refocus on PSLE preparation more quickly.”

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